Ladies, let’s talk about kids and the fact you don’t have any, and you’re already [INSERT YOUR AGE HERE].
You’re upset about this, and understandably so.
It’s likely that your mom had kids by the time she was your age, or that you’re divorced and thought you’d have kids by now, or that all of your friends have kids and you’re jealous. You hear that tick-tick-tick signifying your fertility’s ability counting down to zero. It hurts.
Why are we talking about babies on a dating advice blog?
Because I’m worried about you. I’m worried that your desire to have and raise a family is making you desperate and therefore a mark to the immature guys in the dating world. I’m worried that you’re going to settle down with Mr. Wrong.
The key word here is “settle” as in “I can’t find the man I’m looking for so I’ll just settle for what I have now.” PLEASE don’t settle. When it comes to matters of the heart it’s vitally important that you make decisions with equal measures of logic and emotion. When you’re considering eternally tying your life with a man’s by having his children don’t be thinking, “I could spend the rest of my life with this man,” or “He’d make an excellent father.” Instead choose a man who makes you think, “I want to share the rest of my life with this man!” Fall in love with him before kids come to give yourself the best chance at staying in love after the kids grow up and move out leaving you and your spouse with each other for company, support, and friendship.
This topic is particularly personal to me because I’m a single woman in my early 30s with no kids. I get asked almost accusingly – particularly by people who barely know me – “Don’t you want children?” My typical answer to this hugely rude question is that I’m open to the possibility of having children but it’s not one of my life goals. Actually, my exact answer is, “If it happens, awesome! If it doesn’t happen, still awesome!” because I find that explanation is easier for other women to accept than the long story, which is that I don’t want to have children unless I find the man of my dreams. It’s all or nothing, and I don’t place a higher value on one happy ending over the other so I’m not stressing out over the fact my physical ability to have children may pass me by. I’ve seen what healthy relationships look like, I’ve witnessed both real love and relationships in which people have settled for whomever was available at the time they wanted kids. I won’t settle for less than the best because if I’m going to share my ups and down intimately with a man it’s got to be with the right one or else I’ll continually be searching for my happily ever after instead of living it.
I have also accepted responsibility for my love life, or lack thereof. Swimming through the dating pool – or not – is my choice. How I strategize to get to know a potential love is up to me. Whether I choose to kiss him (after a minimum of 3 months, of course) is up to me (well I mean, he has the option to opt-out, too). The bottom line is that if I want to find love, I have to go searching for it. I have to go on dates. I have to meet single men. Sitting at home and wistfully wishing for my dreams won’t make them happen, only I can do that. And so can you!
The pros – psychologists, doctors, etc., – suggest that your biological clock is a psychological response to a physiological fact; you’re getting older and your chances of having a child naturally are diminishing and that bothers you for a host of incredibly personal reasons. Rather than your body actually counting down your childbearing years, it’s more likely that you are comparing yourself to other people, and the original life plan you had that probably began to form when you were a child. That doesn’t make your longing for children wrong, but it may lead you to the wrong man.
So what do you do with this ticking clock?
If it’s ticking distractingly loudly talk to your doctor to make sure you have all of the facts about your own body; advice columns in beauty magazines don’t compare to founded medical advice, and there is no universal age that signifies the end of child-bearing years. Examine your approach to dating. Arm yourself with practical and sensible dating tips and be ready to recognize the man of your dreams because you are ready to find him! The truth is that no matter what happens there is no guarantee that children are in your future, and if they are it might not be quite in the way you had hoped (adoption, step-children, step-grandchildren, nieces and nephews to dote upon). You can’t predict the future but you can be ready to act on what’s best for you by being confident and in charge of your love life!
Here’s what you can do going forward:
If he’s NOT ready to commit and you’re tired of this scenario, or just want to make sure your next kiss is with someone who’s ready, get a copy of No More Assholes and find someone seriously amazing and ready to commit. He’s out there, I promise.
If he’s ready to commit and it’s time to take it to the next stage (woohoo!), read After The First Kiss – 7 Steps to Making Your First Year Together Ridiculously Awesome and make sure you’re creating a strong foundation together.
This is the book that helps you avoid turning little things into big fights, and you’ll love how the advice inside helps you create the Magical relationship you’re looking for. Peaceful, cohesive, passionate, and intimate.
Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is your peace of mind, and I’m adept at giving the perspective you need along with the tools you’ll use to start feeling happier, clearer, and on your way to the Love you want ASAP.
Look, nothing sucks more than giving your heart to someone who isn’t giving theirs back.
If this is something you’ve done too often it’s time to break that pattern, and lucky for you, you’ve met the pattern breaker. You’ll use different behaviors so you get a different outcome, and I know how to trigger a man’s brain in all the right spots.
Your happiness depends on your decisions first and foremost, not his, and I’m the Sherpa who carries the burden of knowledge and shows you the way.
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