Dear Chantal,
Last week I went on a date with someone I was set up with through a mutual friend. We had a great time, had a lot in common, and the conversation flowed the whole night. He even mentioned having another dinner date. The day after our date and again yesterday he texted me to say he’d had a good time, and I said I did too and would love to do it again. He wrote back “same here,” but I haven’t heard from him since.
I’m wondering if I did something wrong. Was I too forward by saying I’d like to see him again? Should I send him another text? I liked him a lot and think this could go somewhere, what do you think I should do at this point?
Valerie
Dear Valerie,
Another hot topic lately!
Letting him know you had a great time was perfect, and is something I always tell my clients to do. In fact, we should always let men know when they make us happy, because they build on those successes.
The thing is it’s never too early to tell someone how they light you up, because you just don’t know when they’re going to start leaning in and applying what they’ve learned in order to win your heart.
But here’s the thing about this whole dating process – patience is your best friend.
Sometimes it takes a few turns inside a man’s head for him to come around to really settling into you. The key is letting him to come to the idea himself, otherwise it loses value in his mind. You’ve heard the age old “don’t tell me what to do” way men can be bullheaded? If you try too hard to draw him in it may backfire, and he might come forward but with a bit of subconscious, childish resentment, then blame the fast pace you set for things not working out. Or worst case scenario, he might take advantage of the fact that you’re willing to rush into things and have his fun, then move on to the next conquest.
You want to show interest, then see if he’s going to pursue matters. So leave it where it is and see if he reaches out again. I like to do a 1 to 1 ratio for texting in the beginning, that way you’re reciprocating but not over investing.
So what do you DO? Nothing. Wait and see if this is a man, someone with long term planning on his mind looking for the right woman to settle down with, or a guy, a short term thinker just looking for fun. Why? Because the last thing you want to do is chase a guy into a relationship, because this means you’ll be wasting time with someone who may be all sorts of wrong, while missing opportunities to be with the right man.
Keep in mind that he may be dating other people too, as should you. The first three months after initially meeting someone should be about observing his behaviour and noting what’s consistent versus what falls off. These first few months can be blinding, or revealing. It’s up to you to choose the behaviour that takes you down either path.
Are you going to kiss, then see how it goes? Blinding. Are you going to see how it goes, then kiss the right one? Revealing.
Look, have you ever read a paragraph that was missing letters or words (or even written backwards), yet your brain was filling in the gaps and giving you a relatively seamless reading experience? This is actually one of the things that gets in our way when we’re looking for the right kind of love – we fill in gaps when in reality we should be giving time for them to fill themselves.
When it comes to dating time and space eventually reveals all. Time for someone to unfold the reality of who they are, and space to give you the moments of reflection you need to make sure you’re not glossing over red flags. If you’ve been following me at at all you know what I’m going to say next: Having a No Kissing For Three Months rule helps you understand what you need to know before sharing that super bonding first kiss.
Having a set waiting period for a first kiss keeps you from making costly mistakes because 1) you’re not committing to a guy who hasn’t proven he’s able to pay attention to you consistently for a relatively short period of time and 2) it keeps you from tying yourself down until the right one actually commits to you. Plus you’ve given each other enough time to prove that you truly click, and that this wasn’t just a flash in the pan.
Save that bonding kiss until you find someone who’s leaning in all the way and turning your crank with his attention. Trust me, it’s so worth it.
Kissing actually releases a chemical called Phenylethalamine, which tells your brain you’ve already completed the selection process, so no further need to watch for red flags. That’s why once we women kiss someone we’ll usually say, “sorry, I’m seeing someone already” to the next man who comes along… even if we’ve only known the one we kissed for one to three dates.
Listen, I know you’re scared that if you don’t kiss a guy early he’ll move on because “there’s so much out there.”
And he will.
And you WANT that.
Selfish, short term thinkers will for sure quickly move on, and that’s good because that type of guy isn’t the relationship material you’re looking for. Guys are fun for fun times, but not for long term relationships. Men are perfect for long term relationships though.
When it comes to tackling the dating dance and making sure the next one you choose is the right partner time is of the essence, especially the older you get. It doesn’t make sense to spend time wearing blinders caused by the initial rush of emotions. And I know you’re done with realizing you never should have chosen this guy in the first place.
I certainly was. That’s why I threw my arms up in the air in my kitchen one night and said to whoever was beyond my kitchen ceiling, “No More Assholes” .
So here’s what you can do: Read my books. They’ll give you the tools you need to reduce dating anxiety (meaning you won’t pull in the wrong one when he starts to fade off), and teach you everything you need to know about making sure you’re open for the right man to come along and win your heart.
In the meantime reduce your anxiety so you’re not worried about how this will go. Listen to this meditative track once a day with headphones, it will help ease those moments where you wonder if you did anything wrong. You didn’t. You’re fine. If he wants you he’ll hunt you down, and if he wants you for a lifetime and not just for fun, he won’t be afraid to get to know you first.
Believe me, the right one is on your path, waiting for you to recognize him.
You plan:
If single, or you’re seeing someone who’s NOT ready to commit, read No More Assholes – Your 7 Step Guide to Saying Goodbye to Guys And Finding The Real Man You’re Looking For. and find someone amazing who’s ready to love you. Love isn’t difficult, it’s how we approach it that throws us off sometimes. But I’m here to show you just how easy it can all be.
Once he’s ready to commit and it’s time to take it to the next stage, read After The First Kiss – 7 Steps To Making Your First Year Together Ridiculously Awesome and make sure you’re creating a strong foundation together. This book helps you understand how to keep little things from turning into big fights, and this is vital to laying the groundwork that you’ll build on for years to come. There’s a reason why I say this book makes your first year AWESOME.
Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is helping you understand and clarify those confusing moments, and you’ll be surprised at how quickly you begin to feel like you’ve got a great action plan in hand. Heck, I even give you the scripts for those difficult conversations. My specialty is making love happen easily for you.
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