Dear Chantal,
What’s up with guys who stop texting? My single girlfriends and I have this happen all the time and it’s getting really annoying. We’ll be getting to know someone and everything seems great, and then suddenly we just don’t hear from them anymore. How can we stop getting ghosted by guys?
Leslie
Dear Leslie,
I hear your pain sister.
You found each other online, or bumped into each other somewhere. Things sparked enough to give you a tingle so you gave him your cell, and pretty soon you’re messaging each other a few times a day. You can feel the chemistry in the air and you’re excited at the thought of his next text. Maybe you’re even talking to your friends about him. Layers are being peeled back… what do you think of this, do you like that, oh man we should really try this!
It really feels like you’re moving forward. Together. Naturally you start planning…. What’s the first date going to be like? Is he husband material? Potentially a good dad? I better start getting ready for our first trip to the Caribbean…
Maybe you have a date or two. Maybe kiss, maybe get intimate.
And then… nothing. Your last message goes unanswered, and your next one too. You’re hesitant to send a third, but part of you is wondering WTF?
‘Didn’t we have something going on here? He at least owes me some final words and a courtesy explanation for apparently, suddenly, losing complete interest in me.’
Maybe you become angry. ‘Hello?’ you’re thinking, ‘Don’t I deserve some respect here? And what kind of jerk even does that!?’
Make sure you’re choosing the right man for a relationship
You complain to your friends about guys who just don’t care, and when the next one does the same thing you feel yourself start to get a little jaded. Enough is enough. Why should I keep putting myself out there? It just seems like all guys suck anyways.
And you’re not completely wrong – Guys (AKA selfish, short term thinkers) really can be jerks. They’re not in the dating scene to make anybody but themselves happy, and unfortunately you’ve been a casualty of their fleeting interest.
Men (AKA generous, long term thinkers) on the other hand are looking for a woman they can make happy, because doing so makes them feel like a better man. Time and using the 3 month no kissing rule usually helps you figure out if he’s a guy or a man.
Right now, they’re ghosting because they just don’t care. For them, the conversation is over and that’s that. How you might happen to feel about that doesn’t register for them, since their primary concern is what they want and not much more. If continuing a conversation and making plans with you isn’t convenient then you’ll fall by the wayside, an unfortunate side effect of selfish behaviour.
When it comes to guys, it’s likely he’s ghosting because his attention is being caught up with a different girl now.
Which is what it all boils down to: where you measure on the other persons value scale.
What’s your best way to deal with this? Detaching from outcomes. When you don’t place expectations on people beyond how they’re going to deal with you in the present moment, all you’re doing is looking at actions instead of dreaming up what they SHOULD be doing.
So try to not think farther than today when it comes to creating relationships with new people, especially within the first 3 months. After 3 months you can look towards the future with a certain level of prediction, since you’ve put enough time behind you to be able to access their future behaviours.
The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, right? Treating the situation like its predictable is a much better idea than trying to get someone to change. Change usually only happens when what someone is doing isn’t working for them anymore.
When it comes to meeting new guys be sure to respond in kind, but don’t invest your emotions until he’s been steadily showed you his interest for 3 months. Playing the field is something you should be doing, so don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Instead, keep an open mind to meeting new people. The guy getting your care and attention should be the one making a consistent effort to get some face-time with you in order to get to know who you are inside and out.
And remember, no kissing for 3 months means guys who are just looking for fun instead of a committed relationship will take themselves out of the running for you, leaving the men who are serious the recipients of your precious time and attention while they work hard to win your amazing heart.
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