Dear Chantal
I met a guy I want to commit to because he’s perfect! He’s handsome, successful, hardworking, kind, and funny. He’s a single dad and takes good care of his 11-year-old daughter, and co-parents well with her mom. He’s really everything I’ve wanted, right down to great in bed!
He says he’s not looking for anything serious because he doesn’t have time and that his main focus right now is work and his daughter, but I think deep down he’s just scared because his last girlfriend was a disaster.
I really want a relationship with him, and I’d love some advice on getting him to commit.
Thanks for your help!
Toni
Dear Toni,
I have some good news and some bad news. The good? You’ve discovered one of the gems out there, a real diamond in the rough.
The bad? He’s telling you exactly what he wants in life, and unfortunately, that doesn’t include a girlfriend right now. Which sucks when you’ve found someone amazing. It would be nice if you could win his heart over before yours gets hurt. And it’s not like there’s no hope, but winning over a man who isn’t “looking” is harder because you’re trying to get him to switch his mindset from what I call Guy mode (selfish, short term thinking) to Man mode (generous, long term thinking). Guys (and Girls!) just wanna have fun, while Men are actively looking for a relationship.
So first, I’m going to explain why these modes can be different for us, and then I’m going to tell you what it takes to nab one of these great catches. But if you have to walk away and start over again, I’m also going to round this out with some tips that help you end up with someone in Man mode sooner.
Guy versus Man
See, here’s the thing – Guy mode is essentially the sandbox, somewhere to play with no strings attached. We can choose that same mode for ourselves by the way, and I’ve been in Girl mode in my younger years. It’s a fun place to be when you just want to relax your brain between relationships, but don’t want to stop seeing people.
But as women, it’s easier for us to inadvertently fall into a new relationship even when we start out in Girl mode because the chemicals produced during sexuality affects us more deeply than (typically) men. And part of that has to do with the amount of heartwarming Oxytocin that’s triggered inside us during sex. See, Oxytocin is the same chemical our bodies produce when a baby goes through the birth canal, helping us bond with our child and forget how much it just hurt to give birth to them. So it’s no wonder sex will ultimately make US bond faster than men.
This works out for us if the person we’re playing with happens to be looking for something more serious. But we can do ourselves a disservice when we take on a playmate who’s really just in it for the play.
Men are much better at separating sex from intimate connections.
Their sexuality is not as clearly attached to their emotional tides because biologically speaking for them sex is about planting a seed, while for us sex is about growing the seed.
Since their fertility literally has no cycle, unlike women, their sex drive and emotional attachment to sex is different. They literally choose which mode they’re in even before sex takes place – play or committing –
and ultimately that can be hard to shake up after the fact.
What I’m saying is, you have to believe the words coming out of his mouth.
If he’s saying he’s not looking for a relationship, hoping for one can be your downfall. Your desire for the amount of commitment and attention a relationship requires will turn him off, and he’ll say “sorry, but I told you from the beginning this was just casual, and you’re getting too attached and demanding more than I’m willing to put in. So I’m going to have to end this now.”
What sucks is that his honesty will often have a twofold consequence for women who want more. One, feelings of rejection and hurt. And two, a lingering bad taste that all men are jerks. Which isn’t fair to the good ones being honest about their intent from the start.
Oprah once said one of her biggest life lessons came from the late, great Maya Angelou. “When people show you who they are, believe them.”
Listen carefully to what they say, and believe it despite what you want to believe. This will keep you from getting caught up with someone who isn’t looking for the same thing you are. Absorb the truth, and make decisions based on knowledge rather than emotion.
That being said, can you win this man over and ultimately have a relationship? Maybe. But that depends on whether or not he’d consider you girlfriend material once his brain is ready to commit.
What is he looking for in a long term partner once he’s there? Study him, and you’ll learn his values. And if you’re two peas in a pod it’s possible, but you’ll be playing the long game, and you can’t ask for monogamy in the meantime.
Men in this phase are often making their financial success and the raising of their children their number one commitments, and that likely won’t change until 1) their kids become more independent and 2) their career is firmly settled.
Can you accept just being someone who takes care of his manly needs for the next few years, while he builds his career and raises his child? Can you patiently take what he offers and not demand more? Then maybe he’ll turn to you when life slows down and he wants a partner.
But there’s a catch.
You need to listen to his words before you think about going that route.
If he’s saying this is nothing more than temporary, that you should expect nothing even if you try to play the long game, then in his mind he already knows he’s not going to choose you when that time comes.
Listen carefully, and move on if that’s the case.
But if he says, “maybe one day”, then there’s a possibility.
But again, you have to be patient and demand nothing. Is that what you’re looking for? Or do you want a man who’s ready right now to find a woman and commit?
One thing for certain though, now is not the time to commit your heart and soul to this man. He’s just not ready for it.
So what can you do? Let me lay out some steps for you.
First, let him know exactly where you’re at. You like him, but you’re ready to find your Mr. Forever. Let me give you the script for this conversation:
“You know, this has been really great for me, but I’m starting to get feelings and I’m thinking I want more. I understand that you may not be ready, which is why it’s probably time for me to cut this short and move on. I’m not telling you what to do, you’re completely free to do what you want, I’m just letting you know that I’m feeling like it’s time for me to find a committed relationship now.”
Then, lean back and see what he says. If he feels he likes you too much to lose you, he’ll decide that now is a good time to secure a relationship, before someone else steals your heart.
But if he agrees, then do move on. He’s, in essence, saying that committing to you isn’t on his agenda at all. Take that knowledge and run with your heart still intact while you can. But what do you do next? If you’re afraid of ending up in the same place with someone else, or if you’re ready to step out of the sandbox and find that special someone to settle down with, you’ll want to read my book No More Assholes – Your 7 Step Guide To Saying Goodbye To Guys And Finding The Real Man You’re Looking For. I teach you how to vet twice in this book, once for mindset so you’re not falling for someone in the sandbox, and then again for compatibility.
This way, the next one you kiss will be the one that’ll curl your toes for as long as you like.
Having fun is fun until you want more from the one who just wanted fun. So when you’re ready for Mr. Commitment, use this guide to keep you from wasting any time. Life is way too short!
Here’s what you can do:
If he’s NOT ready to commit, read No More Assholes and find someone just as amazing who’s ready for you. Trust me, the man who’s looking for you is out there, all you need to do is recognize him and lead the way to intimate, lasting Love.
If he’s ready to commit and it’s time to take it to the next stage, read After The First Kiss – 7 Steps That Make Your First Year Together Ridiculously Awesome and make sure you’re creating a strong foundation together. Here, I teach you how to make sure you’re not turning little things into big fights, and growing together in the best way possible. A long term relationship takes a lot of right choices, and I make those easy for you to understand.
Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. Your happiness is my #1 goal. What can I say? I believe in Karma!
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